The Match report – not so much about football, more about straight-baiting. Can I just say before I start, that if they move Leeds any further north, I will have to stop going there. Bloody six hours each way it took us, and for what? Three marvellous, cocksucking, arse-rimming, sphincter-snapping points. That’s frikkin’ what! WAAAAAAAHHHHEEEYYY!!! Oh yeah, so anyway, we went to Leeds on a bright and beautiful Saturday morning. Of course, by the time we hit London the sun went in – that’s it then for the weekend I thought – and I wasn’t far wrong… buggery bollocks it’s cold up north... and grim… Do you think we should tell them? Even Matt says so and he’s from there… all he said all weekend was “it’s a shithole Leeds”, and who am I to disagree? Actually Dr Dave and I quite enjoyed our shopping trip round Harvey Nichols looking at the tragic hairdos and the over-priced fashion built for skinny waifs… Dr Dave was only marginally devastated that the extra-large t-shirt he tried on was extra-large only if your name was Action Man and that 5 t-shirts stitched together might have done the job better in his case. He’s used to this kind of disappointment apparently.

Speaking of disappointment, one player (who shall remain nameless) was not so keen on the aforementioned condition. It’s apparently not sufficient to lure the unwary youth of Yorkshire into one's boudoir – oh no – our mystery man managed to book his trade on the internet in advance - and then bleated something about the match report starting at 10pm on Saturday evening (i.e. post-shag)… yeah right, nice one… like NOOOOOO. So it appears we were all quite reserved on Saturday night: Matt stayed out till 5am but he was the stubborn stain on an otherwise clean sheet of a pre-match night. What sex there was obviously went unnoticed or unreported to my little ears, possibly a result of half the team making their own way to the ground the following day.

A hasty tour round the Leeds one-way system was followed by the defining moment of the weekend, Brian’s team talk on the bus… Now I don’t know about you, and I’ve heard some buggery bollocks in my time, but even I was lost for words (briefly) when Uncle Bri explained our new 4-4-4 formation which would quickly metamorphose into a 4-2-2 formation as and when required. Something along the lines of Defence stand still, Forwards stand still, Central Midfield stand still, but you chavs on the wing run like buggery up and down till you die… nice one…

Our arrival at the Arctic Circle and a dismount from the bus that had us all shivering, plus the ongoing disbelief at the team talk, meant the omens weren’t good – we were all frozen stiff by the time we made it to the changing rooms and we still had to get our kit on. Somehow after all this we managed to play some excellent footie. Aidie opened his account within 3 minutes with an absolute belter of a strike from the edge of the penalty area that had the keeper beaten from the moment he struck it. Within another ten minutes I played one of my finer passes (even though I say so myself) round the back of the Yorkshire defence for Simon to run on and beat the keeper with a deft finish. At 2-0 with less than 15 minutes played we were well on top. We were even denied an absolute cast iron penalty when Aidie was upended in the Yorkshire penalty area.

Yorkshire then played their Joker by bringing on Darren, their (sexy) and very talented midfield general, who only the night before had claimed he was injured and could last no more than 5 minutes – yeah really…. He managed to restore some rhythm to the Yorkshire game and, having built up a head of steam, they scored a soft goal just before half time. A cross from the left eluded all of our back four and was shinned in by an advancing Yorkie forward. Half-time. 2-1. Game on! In fairness, Yorkshire were probably worth this goal having squandered a couple of earlier chances to get back in the game.

We can speculate endlessly on what their half time team talk sounded like – lots of references to getting right into us, and not letting us have any sniffs at goal, no doubt. This Yorkshire optimism lasted about two minutes before Aidie got the sweetest of flicks onto a long throw from Matt on the left wing and lobbed the keeper for 3-1. A perfect reply to any thoughts Yorkshire might have had of a contest. From there on we went into overdrive - our tackling was excellent, our passing was equally good, and our overall supremacy resulted in three further goals. Simon managed to connect at the near post with a cross from ‘Man of the Match’ Freddie for 4-1. Soon after, Jamie’s persistence was rewarded when he capitalised on a goalie miskick to roll in number 5, and then at the death, Aidie met one of my corners with a pinpoint header and completed another hat-trick. So, a very satisfying result all round and one of our best performances yet. Lots to be proud of. Yorkshire are no mugs and we gave them a serious doing over.